I wanted to write about my experience returning to the Ulster to give birth to Everly just 14 months after having Hallie. I wrote my birth experience with Hallie (here) as soon as I got home from hospital as I wanted to get everything written down while it was still fresh. It's taken me 8 months to write Everly's birth story down!
We had a 37 week scan and check up with a consultant on Friday 27th September. We had been hoping that during this appointment we'd confirm the date for my C-Section, sooner rather than later as I was getting ansty about the dangers my liver condition posed on baby. We didn't expect the Consultant to casually ask "okay...the date for your c-section....how does Monday suit?" Monday?! That was only 3 days away! But we were secretly delighted and so, so ready.
We had to be at the Ulster very early the morning of 30th September. We had that feeling of going on holiday, dragging bags and cases out to the car before the rest of the world had really woken up. The morning sky was filled with a beautiful autumnal sunrise, all pinks and oranges. I took it to be a good sign - pink skies always make me think of Hallie. I wasn't nervous, strangely. After Hallie's birth I knew what to expect and that made me feel relaxed. I was just excited. Walking through the doors of the Ulster feeling so calm was strange - it's not exactly how you see it in the movies, is it?
We were taken upstairs to a waiting room. It was a little quiet room with a sink and a fridge, like a little kitchenette. We immediately recognised it as the kitchenette connected to the Bereavement Suite where we stayed with Hallie. We sat on the sofa together and stared at the wall; all I could think about was how the room where I last saw Hallie was on the other side of it. I was sat next to the little sink I had clung to and cried while Michael said his private goodbyes to Hallie in the next room. I waited for my body to go into panic - but it didn't. I didn't in my wildest dreams expect to ever see that room again but this time it, rather unexpectedly, brought me peace. I felt like Hallie was close. I felt like she was part of it and that made me feel really, really happy.
We were in that room for a long time. Hours. We watched episodes of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and played games while we waited. Midwives came in and out to make their checks, to go through procedures, to ask me to sign forms. The door knocked and a familiar face popped her head in - the Doctor that delivered Hallie. I couldn't believe it; was she going to deliver Everly too? She had no idea who we were, why would she? But I will never forget her and her Australian accent! Seeing her made me feel calm too, it was almost like Hallie was sending us little signs. Eventually, we were moved to a ward where I got to lie down...hospital beds are so damn comfortable. We were the last couple on the list so we spent the next few hours watching other couples walking into theatre and being wheeled back into the ward with their perfect little babies in their arms. We could hear each baby's first cries as they were born- it was lovely. We had another couple of hours to wait so I thought I'd try and take a little nap. I woke up to our baby having visible hiccups. I took a video. This would be the last time I'd see her move about in my tummy. A midwife brought me a gown and stockings and told me to get ready for theatre.
I already knew that I would be having Everly in the same theatre that I had Hallie in. I'd had months to prepare for that but walking up that same corridor was still like travelling through time. Last time I walked up to theatre I was self conscious about my bum being on show in my gown - this time I was wearing my dressing gown. I was definitely more prepared this time round! I knew the order of things and felt confident and ready...until I remembered that I was about to have a giant needle in my spine. But the staff work so quickly, you don't have time to really think about what's going on. They placed a Cannula in the back of my hand prior to the Spinal so I really felt like I was being attacked by needles but it was all quick and pretty painless. I was definitely more aware of everything this time round - I think there was much more adrenaline with Hallie pushing me through! There's so many people milling around you, attaching monitors and asking questions it really distracts from the scarier aspects of being in an operating theatre. The screen went up and they looked as if they were about to start and I panicked and asked where my husband was. He arrived in beside me all gowned up and nervous and took his place beside me as he did 14 months before.
Knowing what was about to happen helped me a lot, but I felt a bit more nervous this time round. The OB's performing the operation informed me that my first scar was too low down for them to reopen so they'd have to cut a new scar right above it. I was fine with that, in fact, I liked it. I had one scar for Hallie and would have one scar for Everly. Once the operation started, I felt overwhelmed and a bit sick. I was back on the same table, looking up at the same ceiling that I'd stared at before and it made me anxious. As Everly was a lot bigger than Hallie there was a lot more pulling and tugging and I felt pretty sea-sick on top of my anxiety. It was all very similar to my experience with having Hallie; the room was exactly the same, some of the staff were the same, the procedure was the same. I stared at the very same clock I stared at while Hallie was being delivered. I had to keep reminding myself that this time the baby was coming home. Everything was the same, but different at the same time.
And then she was here. 3.34pm. They lowered the screen and Michael and I got the first glimpse of our perfect, healthy baby daughter. They held her up, all pink and gooey, all limbs and dark hair. The first words out of my mouth were "she has my knees!" - I don't know why, but my eyes were drawn to her knees! And then her hair. So much dark hair. I always hoped my baby would have lots of dark hair. Her feet were huge! And everyone was commenting on how long her fingers were. It was so overwhelming, in a good way. They took her over to clean her up, weigh her, do all the usual things they do when a baby is born. Michael went with her and cut her cord. I felt a bit awkward, stuck on the bed while Michael was getting to fuss over the baby - I couldn't even see her from where I was lying and kept craning my head to catch a glimpse. It was a chance for me to compose myself a little and it wasn't long before they brought the baby over to me all wrapped up in a blanket. She was laid awkwardly on my chest, skin to skin, and I couldn't believe how much bigger she was than Hallie. She was wriggling around and making baby noises, letting out little cries. I kept thinking back to how little Hallie was, how silent and still she was. It was like night and day.
Holding my daughter, I let out a huge sigh. I'd done it. After everything we'd been through, after 9 months of anxiety, we had a healthy, happy baby. The relief was immense and I felt completely elated. Having a squirmy new baby handed to you is the most surreal thing in the world. Meeting the little person you created is like nothing else. My emotions were all over the place, particularly with regards to how the experience was just 14 months prior. I suddenly realised how different the two situations were, and I felt differently than I thought I would. I thought I would be so, so sad. That having Everly would remind me of everything I missed out on with Hallie. But I felt overwhelmingly that holding Everly was like seeing Hallie again. They looked so alike, it was like holding them both. That allowed me another depth of happiness that I hadn't felt in a very long time.
I still needed to be stitched up so Michael took Everly back to the ward with him. I remember feeling impatient, the need to be with my baby was so strong. I was literally aching to see her again. It wasn't very long before I was being wheeled back to the ward where the baby was in an incubator - I panicked - but Michael reassured me it was just to help dry out her lungs. They parked me up beside her and I put my hand through the little window and she clung tightly to my finger. She was wriggling about and sticking her tongue out and I just melted. Michael went out to ring his parents and I rang my Mum & Sister - they'd been waiting all day for news! We were in the recovery ward, in our little blue-curtained cubicle. A midwife/angel arrived with pancakes and tea for me - the first thing I'd eaten since the night before and they were so, so good. Once I'd eaten, the midwife lifted Everly out of the incubator and lay her on my chest and I was just the most happiest (and shell-shocked) I'd ever felt - pancake and baby drunk! I snuggled her into me and just breathed her in.
I was super keen to breastfeed and thankfully she latched like a pro. In the evening we were moved to another ward upstairs where I'd be for the remainder of our stay. I got the feeling back in my legs within 2/3 hours post-surgery but I was so, so itchy. My feet were itching so bad it was driving me crazy. The midwife brought me an antihistamine with my tea and toast. I dressed Everly in a little pink vest as it was a little chilly on the ward and just held her against my chest all evening. It was bliss. This stage of the experience was so different from the one I'd had with Hallie. With Hallie we had our own private suite, but this time we were in an open ward with about 6 other new Mum's and babies. Michael had to go home to take care of the animals and get some sleep. I didn't get any sleep - Everly hated her little plastic cot and I hated putting her down so I just held her & fed her all night.
We'd asked for no visitors for the first day so we could bond with Everly on our own and that turned out to be the right decision. Recovering from a major operation and having a newborn is difficult and it takes a bit of getting used to but thankfully there's lots of help. The whole experience was exhausting and I was relieved to have the extra time in hospital to get used to being a new Mum. The midwives were such good support. On the second night Everly was unsettled and they taught me some tricks to make her cosy in her cot to help her sleep. Everly and I needed the time to bond and take advantage of those precious first hours of breastfeeding. One of my favourite memories was on the second day, I was brought beef stew for lunch while I was feeding Everly. Michael picked up a spoon and fed the stew to me while I focused on feeding the baby. It was just a cute little moment between the three of us, already finding little ways to make things work.
I wanted to be on my feet again before having any visitors so the midwives encouraged me to get up and about far earlier than they did after Hallie's delivery! It was lovely for our parents and sisters to meet her in the hospital, so fresh and new, and I know that after meeting Hallie it made meeting Everly that bit more emotional. They arrived up in shifts on the second day and I loved introducing them all and seeing their reactions! I loved watching Michael with her, he would hold her just like he held Hallie and had the very same look of love in his eyes. I have a lovely video of him walking around the ward, holding her close. She's so tiny and he's so big. I just love him as a Dad.
I had two days in hospital before we were allowed to go home. Before we left, they offered to give Everly a bath and we agreed. I was a little nervous at the thought of bathing her so I used this as a lesson! I was so keen to take in as much advice and information as possible from the midwives before leaving. It was cute, Everly hated it at first but then relaxed into the warm water and enjoyed it. There's so many checks and paperwork...I was pretty fed up by the time we were told we were allowed to leave. I don't know what I was expecting, a fanfare maybe? But just being able to casually put the baby in a car seat and walk out the front door with her felt wrong, almost. Like we were stealing her. We got her into the car and drove off - the same journey home that we took after leaving Hallie at the hospital.
I sat in the back of the car watching Everly's little face move in her sleep and thought about how lucky we were. I thought about how far we had come, how after through all the heartache and bad luck we persisted and got our reward at the end. We were taking our baby home at last. I couldn't believe it. It was the start of a whole new chapter, one we'd been working towards since 2017. All those times I thought about giving up, how I never thought we were meant to have children after the Universe seemed to be fighting us at every turn since we started. But she was here and she was perfect and we were so, so ready to be her parents.
We welcomed little Everly Charlotte home on 2nd October 2019. Together, we brought her over to the shelf where Hallie's little urn rests and introduced them to each other. But they've already met - Hallie brought Everly to us, she spent 9 months looking over her and keeping her safe. They're sisters, home together at last.
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