Today (16th August) marks 1 whole month since Hallie's birthday and I guess one month on is the perfect place to press pause on the blogging for now. I feel that Hallie's story has been told and her memory preserved and there's not much more to say. Michael and I will continue to grieve Hallie in private - it's a journey that we still very much feel we're only at the start of.
Both of us intend to keep our Instagram Accounts updated. While this blog is public, our Instagram's are a safe place where we can engage with people around the world who understand exactly what it is like to lose a baby. Because of this, we have decided to make our profiles private so that our Instagram content is only available to those who are on a similar path. This allows us to be as open and honest and raw as we want/need to be. The community we have discovered there has been the best source of information and advice and it's important to us that we can ask questions and share our experiences in a safe place. It's a sensitive subject and at times can be hard to share what we're really going through and because of this we won't be following each other's accounts, just to give each other that added privacy to share our thoughts and feelings without having to worry about judgement or causing upset. I've been brutally honest and open on my Instagram page and it's been the best form of therapy. It really has.
I began my Instagram blog after my miscarriage (almost a year ago) and have made so many friends with women all around the world. We discovered that the men in our lives, all the lost baby's fathers, craved the same companionship and safe place to vent, share and seek advice. We have been encouraging them to create profiles and open up dialogues between them in the hope that they'll reap the benefits of trading stories and advice that we have. Michael's slowly finding his way - he's not as social media savvy (obsessed?) as I am but I know that when he gets going he'll really benefit from chatting to other Dads and will enjoy getting to know some of the couples that I have befriended already. The ladies I have met are just wonderful - they've pulled me out of some of the darkest days and I really want Michael to have that kind of support too.
As much as Social Media has been a safe haven for us, it's also been a curse at the same time. With every scroll you're painfully reminded that life goes on, even on days where you feel like your own has come to a standstill. There have been days where I've had to log out because the pregnancy and birth announcements were too much. Is it hard to see scan photos cropping up on my Facebook timeline? Sure. Does it hurt to see people casually complain about their kids or how hard it is to be a parent? Of course. Does every happy family photo on Instagram make me feel like sobbing? Most definitely. Life both online and offline has become a bit of a minefield. Though saying that, these posts often inspire hope for us too. If it can happen for those guys, it can happen for us.
Even if I log out of social media it can still be hard to go outside and face the world in real life. Triggers are everywhere and some days they get me more than on others. There are days where I can happily write a message of congratulations under a pregnancy announcement on Facebook but there are days where I'll burst into tears at the sight of a Family Size box of Rice Krispies in Sainsburys (yep, this actually happened). I've gone into Next and bought presents for a friend's newborn baby and the very next day narrowly avoided a concussion outside of Mothercare because I was so fixated on avoiding the shop windows that I walked right into a post. The only place I'm completely comfortable is at home in our little bubble. That's not to say that I don't make the effort to go outside, to see people, to connect with life outside of the house - because I do. Most days. The thought of going back to work is lurking in my peripherals too, I have to make up my mind within the next 2 weeks if I'm ready to go back or if I need more time; an impossible decision right now because I honestly have no idea. Michael went back to work today and I know he really struggled. The very thought terrifies me.
We bought our little schnauzer puppy Maisie to help bridge the gap until we can try again. To fill our empty arms and give us something to love on and she's been the perfect little companion so far. She's hard work - puppies are a lot and some days I find myself secretly glad to have a little more time before having a baby because you can't lock a baby in a crate if it's eaten all the flowers in your garden! We're seeing Maisie as a practise run for parenting. Though people tell me puppies are harder work than babies and I'm starting to believe them! The cuddles are worth it though.
I can't believe that it's August already and Summer is almost over. Halloween will be next and with it brings the first anniversary of my miscarriage (30th October). Six days later will be Hallie's due date (5th November) and that's going to be a very hard week for us. We are also dreading Christmas this year and are thinking of spending it somewhere away from home. It's going to be a very long and very hard few months but we look forward to January, a new year, a new start. A new chance to try again. 2019 will hopefully be our year.
The purpose of this blog alongside my Instagram was to tell our story, to record our journey and to inspire other families facing similar issues. I hoped that it would open a dialogue with other parents/couples/families that have been affected by loss. To encourage them to tell their story and introduce the world to their little lost ones - every baby deserves to have their names spoken and their stories told. I wanted to acknowledge that everyone struggles with something in their lives and there's no shame in that and to let them know that no one has to suffer alone.
The feedback and messages we receive on the daily from both strangers and people we know is mind blowing, I wish I could share them here. People we haven't spoken to in years have reached out, strangers send us the most beautiful messages and introduce us to their little lost ones. People all around the world show us love every day. Hallie's name has been drawn in Canadian sands, candles have been lit in her name in New Zealand and balloons have been released for her in Dubai. There are memorial gardens with stones in England and Ireland that bear her name and Bean's name too. Our two babies are known around the world alongside countless other babies that left this earth too soon. Getting to know these couples and seeing them through their journeys has been the greatest privilege and one by one we're being gifted the families that we have been striving for.
There is always, always hope.
Our story won't end here and this blog won't either. I hope that I get to return in a few months with a happier story. 2018 has had its peaks and incredibly low troughs but as they say, the greater the storm, the brighter the rainbow.
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