My first contact with A&E was at the Royal Victoria Hospital, the day that I had my miscarriage. It was awful, they didn't have the equipment there to scan me so basically sent me away without any help or diagnosis for the bleeding I was having. Thankfully, that was my only bad experience. I went to the Lagan Valley Hospital shortly afterwards where the midwives there took me in, carefully scanned my tummy and broke the sad news to Michael and I that our baby didn't have a heartbeat. They supported me through the loss and those very same ladies where my first port of call when I found out that I was pregnant again. They took me under their wing again immediately.
I was a ball of nerves my entire pregnancy but the ladies in the Early Pregnancy Unit at Lagan Valley supported me the entire way through. They were on the end of the phone 24 hours a day to calm me down when I was in a panic and they let me go for reassurance scans as often as I wanted or needed. They never rolled their eyes at me or made me feel like I was being a nuisance (I definitely was) and they went out of their way to make me feel better, never shy about dishing out the hugs either.
When Hallie was diagnosed, our care was transferred to the Ulster Hospital. Our Consultant was very honest and forthcoming with the facts and his opinions which we really appreciated. Roz, our Midwife gave me her mobile number on the day she delivered the results of my Amniocentesis and told me to text or call her anytime with any questions and really was a caring source of information for both of us after Hallie's diagnosis. We were in and out of the hospital at least once a week between 18 and 24 weeks, all our tests and scans were no hassle and free of charge. When I think about all the medical care, tests, medication, operations, interactions with staff etc that I've had through the NHS over the past few weeks and just casually walked away without a bill, it blows my mind. In a world where nothing is free it feels completely surreal to use a service such as the NHS and just walk away without being asked for payment. I actually felt quite awkward about it!
From the second I walked into the Emergency Obstetrics Unit in the Ulster on Monday night I was treated with care. Ushered in, given a comfortable bed to rest in and a fistful of painkillers to get me through the contractions while I waited to see the Doctor. As soon as they discovered I was in labour it was all hands on deck - I must have met around 20-30 different medical professionals through the course of Monday night between Midwives, Doctors, Consultants, Anaesthetists..the list goes on. I was pretty mortified when our Paediatrician rocked up in his jeans and t-shirt, Hallie had disturbed his quiet Monday night with his own family and he had rushed to the Hospital to help deliver her (at 10pm...poor guy was probably in his bed). The entire team that helped deliver Hallie was assembled in an impressively short space of time and each and every one of them rallied around Michael and I and made us feel at ease considering everything had happened so quickly and I was facing very last minute major surgery and we were about to meet our baby 16 weeks too early.
Everyone who spoke to us was calm, informative and super caring. They took their time to listen to us, understand our needs and wants and really let us have the final say on what happened with Hallie when she was born, regardless of the urgency of the situation. The midwives never let go of my hand, they held eye contact with me when I was getting the spinal block, they reassured us both that everything was going to be okay. The Doctors kept us updated with how everything was going, the Anaesthetist kept telling me that I was doing great and kept peaking over the screen to give me little updates on Hallie's progress and I never felt for one second that I wasn't safe or under the highest level of care. The Doctor taking time to snap photos of us meeting Hallie on Michael's phone will always be a favourite moment. We love those photographs. Once in a lifetime opportunity and he kindly made it possible for us and we didn't even think to ask!
Before the surgery they told us that there was a chance, as Hallie was only 24 weeks, that they would have to make the incision higher than they usually would and there was a chance that this meant I could never deliver any future pregnancies naturally. We were heartbroken when we heard this. However, they told us straight afterwards that they were able to make the incision very low down and it was such a success that we should have no problems having a normal delivery next time if we wanted. Amazing work. Every NHS Staff member we met that day made everything easy for us. Every person involved in bringing Hallie into the world stopped by our room to see how she was getting on and made a bit of a fuss of her, and us too. That meant the world to us.
I was under round the clock care with Midwives taking my obs every couple of hours through the day and night. They always stopped by Hallie and commented on how beautiful she was, even after she had passed away. They made us feel comfortable, welcomed and above all proud to be parents even considering the circumstances. They kept us well topped up with cups of tea and endless rounds of toast (is there anything better than hospital toast?) and went out of their way to help us with anything we needed. Even my humiliating post-birth sponge bath was actually completely fine and not as awkward as I thought it would be. You have to be a very special kind of person to be an NHS Nurse/Midwife - I certainly wouldn't be cut out for sponge bathing anyone, let alone doing it with a smile on my face.
We were in our own private suite which we soon learned was actually a specially created Bereavement Suite for parents who have lost babies. You wouldn't immediately know this without being told - it's beautifully decorated and really modern and consists of a main room with a sofa and sofa bed for husband/partner/guests to stay, an en suite bath/shower room and a separate sitting area with a kitchen attached. All for our own private use to share with as many guests as we wanted. Thankfully, the suite is situated away from the rest of the Labour ward so we didn't have to encounter any screaming newborn babies or new parents while we were there. Hospital visiting rules didn't apply to us, we could have visitors at whatever time we wanted but we did choose to spend the majority of our time with Hallie on our own.
When Hallie was born the hospital gave us a beautiful Memory Box (donated by charity 4Louis) filled with all sorts of little goodies for making memories with her before and after she passed. There was a little ink and clay set for making prints of her little hands and feet and the Midwives carefully sorted those out for us and we have the most perfect little set of Hallie's prints in a frame that we'll cherish forever. The Midwives always asked did we want photos taken with her too - they seemed really committed to helping us make memories and I know this wasn't part of their job description. It seemed like someone was always sticking their head in to check on us, to say hello or to give us hugs (or bring us toast...) and it was really appreciated. The Bereavement Midwife, Niamh, visited a couple times and managed to have my Mum in tears with her kind words. It wasn't just about Hallie's parents suffering from her loss, she spent some time chatting with her Nanny Wendy too. And I know she appreciated that.
24 hours after my surgery I had my catheter removed (don't even start me on the catheter...) and I made the mistake of being too excited to be able to finally get out of bed to test that my legs were still working (no joke) and ended up blacking out in the bathroom. I literally hit the deck and they found me collapsed in a heap next to the toilet and I had to be carried back to bed - I was mortified and kept apologising but they really made me feel at ease with the incident and kept making me laugh about it throughout the rest of my stay. I'm still cringing about it though! They took care of Michael too, bringing him coffee and toast, making up his bed for him, making sure he was okay too.
Any paperwork was dealt with in the kindest and easiest way - the staff did everything for us. On our final night with Hallie they left us in peace, understanding that we wanted a night alone as a family. The three of us settled into bed for the night and watched TV together, we changed Hallie's outfit (after Michael spilt Ribena all over her!) and Michael read her a bedtime story. All completely undisturbed. We really needed that night together and the Midwives knew that without us even having to ask. When it was time to say our goodbyes to Hallie, the hardest thing we've ever done, they gave us space to say goodbye. Two Midwives helped us when we were leaving, one told us she would stay with Hallie when we left and the other showed us to the front door. They both gave us hugs goodbye and I know that they really cared about us and hoped to see us there again in happier circumstances. We felt assured that Hallie was in good hands, which made leaving her a tiny bit easier but still the worst thing we've ever had to do.
We've been home for two days now and already a Community Midwife has visited us. She insisted that I stayed in my pyjamas and didn't get out of bed, she took my blood pressure and took off my bandage for me. Held a little mirror up so I could see my scar for the first time, an emotional experience, and told me it was more than okay to cry around her if I needed to. She spotted some scan photos we have framed in our bedroom and made a fuss of them, making cute comments about our tiny little Hallie Bean. Throughout her visit she showed kindness, thoughtfulness and compassion to both of us, so fresh and raw in the loss of our baby.
In all, our experience under NHS healthcare was incredible. Losing Hallie is and always will be the worst days of our lives but we were so well looked after that we made it through it as peacefully as possible. Hallie was delivered safely and professionally and thanks to the quick work of the Doctors there we were given over 2 precious hours with our girl that we never thought we would have. Hallie died peacefully in our arms, with the dignity she deserved and her time with us afterwards was made to be easier to handle than we ever thought possible. All this was thanks to the staff in the Ulster Hospital Maternity Ward - we are forever in their debt. Walking away from the building was hard; it had become our safe place for the 3 days we were there. On the car journey home we talked about how great everyone was and how appreciative we are of all the work they did, all the time they spent and care and love they showed the three of us - total strangers to them and only three people on their long, long list of patients they were taking care of in that time. How do you ever repay that level of kindness? I'm not sure, but I hope in time we find a way.
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