Coping.

On numerous occasions I’ve typed variations of the words “how to cope with bad pregnancy news” into Google and it’s surprised me that most of the results were about coping with receiving bad news while you’re pregnant, rather than the bad news being related to your pregnancy itself. There’s plenty of articles on how to cope after the loss of your baby, but not too many about the period of limbo between the diagnosis and the loss itself. Of course, the truth is, there isn’t a handbook with all the answers – in fact, there is no answer – everyone going through this will deal with it differently. 

The question I’m asked the most (almost daily) is “how on earth are you coping?”

Well, the truth is, I often impress myself with my ability to carry on. It’s been over a month now since our lives were flipped upside down with Hallie’s diagnosis but we are battling through, relatively unscathed so far (I know that won't always be the case!). Already, I have had emails from women that have found this blog or my Instagram page; some offering their stories of hope, some just letting us know that they’re thinking about us and some just reaching out from one suffering family to another. I honestly believe that the key to making it through a dark period like this is communication, communication and more communication. And this applies to a whole spectrum of diagnoses and illnesses, not just instances like ours. I know it sounds like a cliché but it’s honestly true, being open and willing to talk and not keeping your thoughts and feelings to yourself is the best thing you can do. It’s all too easy to just curl up in bed and ignore the world and there are days where that’s exactly what you want to do, but you have to force yourself to get out there – don’t hide away. Let people in. I believe that the more you hide, the more people are scared to approach you; and you need your support system. You really do. There were long periods after my miscarriage where I felt horribly alone and wasn't coping and pushed people away and I am careful not to make the same mistake again.

Michael and I are pretty good at checking in with one another too. Don’t be fooled, there are moments where we’ve just clung to each other and cried our eyes out. There’s been days where he’s been stronger than I have and vice versa. Shadow has had his fair share of tears cried on his furry little back! I’ve burst into tears in the middle of dinner and sobbed my heart out while driving home from work when the distraction of the office is over; it’s not all been silly Instagram stories and fun days out. But there have been a lot of those too. Distraction during this time is important and enjoying our pregnancy and making happy memories has become our priority. It’s been 23 weeks of our lives and regardless, we refuse to look back at our time with Hallie and have it be the bleak, horribly dark time that it could so easily be.

Reaching out to couples who have had the same experiences has been incredibly helpful too – seeing that they’ve coped with and survived the same things is uplifting and inspiring. There are so many bloggers out there who openly share their experiences online, not necessarily of the same issues as Hallie but they’ve dealt with losing a baby and it’s these blogs that I have started drifting towards. I want to be prepared and being able to ask frank questions has really helped me wrap my head around what is coming and how others have dealt with it. Social media has made it so easy to reach out, ask questions and educate yourself through other people’s experiences and I know that I wouldn’t be half as positive as I am without their influence. We know that we can get through this and be okay on the other side. It’s a process, but we have the means and the want to survive it and if we can help others along the way, even better.

Keeping to a routine has been invaluable to us too. We both go to work every day, the only time we take off at the moment is for appointments. Being in work, surrounded by my colleagues has been really good for me; they treat me absolutely like normal and I never feel awkward or upset in work. Our HR Department and my Line Manager have been checking in on me often and letting me know that I am allowed as much time off as I need – again, it would be tempting to take them up on their offer to get paid to sit at home and wallow but that wouldn’t do me any good at all. If Hallie passes after 24 weeks I am entitled to full Maternity leave and benefits and they have encouraged me to take that, but I can’t imagine sitting at home for a year with empty arms would do anyone any good so my plan would be to take some time and get back to work sooner rather than later. And I know that they’ll support me on whatever decision I make – and that is amazing. After Hallie, it will be hard to come back to work and face everyone. I think about that a lot. But I know that I’ll be accepted back into the fold (after perhaps, an awkward start) but I do know that it will be fine in the end and the distraction will do me good. It’s the same for Michael’s work too – they’ve been a wonderful support too which is great for such a male-orientated workplace as men definitely struggle a bit more with our situation than women as we’re finding out!

We are no experts in this. Every day is a new day with new feelings and thoughts and discoveries about Hallie’s illness and it can be a bit of a minefield. There are triggers everywhere but I also see these triggers as tests of strength. Other babies are unavoidable – they are literally everywhere. You know when you buy a new car and suddenly the roads seem to be filled with the same car as yours? When you decide to start a family, suddenly everyone is pushing a pram! The best thing to do is to face it head on. It would have been easy for us to walk past a café filled with Mums and their babies in Hillsborough at the weekend but we went and had lunch in amongst them all. When my friend brought her beautiful new baby to work, I made sure that I was the very first one holding my arms out for a cuddle (and another…and another after that one…!) We went to the Aquarium yesterday and we were faced with two new Mums openly breastfeeding by the Seal enclosure – I forced myself to make eye contact and smile when they smiled at me and nodded at my bump and later on I cooed over one of their babies and asked what her name is. These interactions were in no way easy for me/us, but I see them as necessary steps to keeping us open and in touch with the baby world. Like falling off a horse, you’re advised to get right back on it again before the fear sets in. I don’t want to ever fear having a baby, even after everything with Hallie. Because there are many women that do.

I’ve found that being open with what we’re going through has helped most people around us feel more comfortable too. I know it’s difficult to know what to say to someone going through something like this but the best advice I would give is - don’t treat them any differently as you would before the diagnosis. You can be gentler with them, sure, but they’re still the same people after all. Our fear has always been that people will avoid us and treat us like lepers – particularly if and when Hallie does eventually pass away. I can’t tell you how good it feels to be treated like normal – when friends still happily introduce you to their new baby (baby cuddles are healing and can never be a bad thing, I promise you!) or share in their pregnancy news – just because this has happened to us, it doesn’t mean we are incapable of being happy for our friends and family! Something I’ve also struggled with is when people completely ignore the fact that I’m pregnant – I’ve met people in the shops and had dinners with friends where they’ve ignored my pregnancy entirely, but on the other hand I have had others come up to me, congratulate me and rub my bump, fully knowing the situation and wishing us the best. Those are the best interactions. Don’t shy away from using our baby’s name either – we absolutely love when people ask how Hallie is! We love when she’s acknowledged and hearing her name only ever makes us proud.

I know that many are scared of causing upset – we’re not going to burst into tears in front of you, I promise! I know that others are scared of reminding us of our pain – it’s not something that we’ll ever forget about and not mentioning it doesn’t magically heal everything, but knowing that you acknowledge it and care about us and our girl means the world, it really does. Every little show of love helps keep our heads above water, whether it’s been flowers, little cards in the post, Pavlovas (important one), brunches, cups of tea (always bring buns!) or just funny daily text exchanges with your best friends. Just being present makes all the difference. And that goes for now, and for afterwards too.

It is also our commitment to Hallie as a real life existing human being that pulls us through too. She's here and she's real and we will always honour her time on this earth. She won't be the only baby to only know life inside their Mum's tummy. If all Hallie ever knows is the cosy, warm, safe environment I've made for her and all she ever hears is the sounds of her Mum and Dad singing along (badly) to Absolute Radio in the car, then that's okay. If our girl passes away silently, listening to nothing but the sound of my heartbeat then that's the best end to her little life that I can imagine. She's never going to feel pain, or be sad, or be scared and that's a comfort to us. We will never give up on her, or on having our family one day. We won't let this beat us - it might, for a while - but we're committed to making this happen for us and I know that we'll get there in the end. And that, is how we cope.